The anxiety that children experience in most cases is normal and common. Even so, worry can be confusing and scary for young children. When kids feel worried, adults may want to distract them from or fix these hard feelings. But understanding and coping with worry are important skills for children to learn — and as grown-ups, we can help them.
The worries of childhood can pop up in many situations. A child can feel nervous when joining a new sports team, when left with a babysitter, when they don’t know what to expect in their day, or at a particular time of day such as bedtime.
Parents can think of themselves as “emotion coaches,” suggested Alyssa Caldbeck, a licensed social worker and play therapist who helps kids and parents manage anxiety. Caldbeck said our job is to help kids feel safe when they worry by helping them understand their feelings and think through what to do next.
In the “Donkey Hodie” episode, “Feelings Detectives,” Donkey and Panda help their pal Duck Duck work through a big worry. The friends uncover the worry and find out the cause. This helps Duck Duck feel more capable of managing her feelings.
When your child feels worried, you can help them uncover their worries, too. Here are four things you can do to help your child understand and work through worries:
Name the feeling.
Helping your child identify and name the feeling is the first step in helping your child work through their worries. Like Donkey Hodie and friends, you and your child can work together to figure out what they’re feeling. Paying attention to the way her body feels helps Duck Duck realize she’s worried, and might help your child, too.
Caldbeck suggested helping your child name the feeling by using “you” statements. When you sense that your child is feeling worried or scared, try saying something like, “you are having trouble sleeping,” or “you have a lot of wiggles in your body right now.” You can also just say, “you seem worried.”
Explain and explore the feeling.
Everyone feels worried sometimes! You can let your child know that it’s okay to feel worried. Worry can be a confusing feeling, but talking about what it can help! For toddlers and preschoolers, Caldbeck suggested focusing on how worry feels for them. You might say, “worry is making your tummy feel funny.” You can also read books or tell stories to help young children understand their big feelings.
For elementary-age kids, you can add more information to conversation, Caldback said. You may say, “a worry is when you don’t want something to happen, and you think about it a lot.”
Worry often happens with other feelings, like sadness, fear, or anger. When you and your child talk about worry, it’s also a good idea to talk about these other feelings. When we notice and care for other hard feelings, it can also help with the worry, Caldbeck noted.
Find the source.
To help kids with anxiety, we need to know where it’s coming from. Caldbeck challenges parents not to assume why their child is worried. In “Donkey Hodie,” Duck Duck becomes a “Feelings Detective” to find out what’s making her feel worried. You and your child can pretend to be Feelings Detectives, too! Ask simple questions or make suggestions about where the worry is coming from. For example, “What was most frustrating for you today?”
Once you know the source of the worry, you can comfort your child. Their worry may not seem reasonable to you, but remember that it probably feels very real to them. Continue asking questions, listening, and reminding them that they’re safe.
Manage the worry.
Sometimes, all your child needs to overcome their anxieties is to name their worry and talk about it. Other times, they may need some more ways to cope. Focus on coping with — not fixing — your child’s distress, said Caldbeck.
Try different strategies to find what works to help your child. (They can even come up with their own ideas!) In “Feelings Detectives,” Donkey Hodie and her friends find their own ways to help them when they feel anxious. For example, if your child feels worried about going somewhere new, talk through your plans together.
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